My Story: Hermione Granger's Side
by InLove09
Summary: You want to know what really happened? Fine, here it is, the diary that can't lie. I can't believe I'm actually going to sell out like this.... New CH.8 rewritten and posted.
1. This is My Story

Disclaimer: I do not own anything within this story as it all belongs to J

Disclaimer: I do not own anything within this story as it all belongs to J.K. Rowling.

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Now, this is just a short recount, I've got to tell you that. This is only an excerpt from the summer after 5th year to the beginning of 6th. That's when my diary ran out of pages; that my blue, leather bound book full of blank pages. My diary began on that the last day of our 5th year at Hogwarts, on the train ride home… boy I would kill to be 15 again; I wouldn't have half the baggage I do six years later. My name is Hermione Granger. I am a broke woman who has a history with several deranged men, my friend Harry included. This is my story.

_**June 3, 1996**_

_Today has been odd. While packing my trunk I found this parcel tucked away in the bottom. Upon inspection it looked alright, just a normal brown package bound with rope, but for the life of me I could not remember ever having received it. At first I thought that one of my roommates put it in my trunk by accident so I asked them about it, but none of them had seen it before either. So I opened it. Someone has left me this strange little blue book with a note that tells me it is a gift and to use it to my heart's desire. A little whimsical for my tastes, but none the less, I shall write in this to record my goings on until the parchment runs out. This year has been one of the worst any of us has seen, what with Sirius falling into the veil, the fight at the Ministry and well… the issue. I won't write about that just yet; but things have happened this year that have never happened to me, Hermione Granger, that have changed me. I almost wish I could be myself again… almost._

I realize now how proud I was. I thought I could control the world then, I thought nothing could stop me. When Dumbledore died – it was a shock no one was ready for, but even now I know that if he hadn't died we wouldn't be alive. The diary, my true little secret is the reason I'm here. The only reason I'm telling you this is because some journalist wants some easy money, and how much easier does it get than an interpretation from the horse's mouth. A biography of sorts, one could say. The first entry stopped rather abruptly, and I had every intention of going back and continuing my entry later, but I was distracted by one Mr. Malfoy. This is one thing my good friend Harry forgot to mention when he sold himself out to that Rowling woman…

_**Later**_

_I can't believe the prat! Draco Malfoy is the most selfish, egotistical ferret I've ever met in my life! I was merely sitting in that compartment with Ron and Harry when he barged in! After all this time I shouldn't let him get to me but he did it again, when he calls me mudblood, something in me begins to boil. Harry and Ron drew their wands and I told them to stop, that it wasn't worth the trouble it would cause. I told them I could handle this, and sent the boys out of the compartment. My juvenile tendencies got the better of me and after calling him ferret boy and asking where his bodyguards were, because heavens knows he's too weak to protect himself, we started screaming things at each other. Well it must have gotten pretty heated because the next thing I knew we were… well were kissing. It was nothing honestly just a small peck, but then he pushed me away. My head hit the ceiling as I crumbled into the seat. I felt myself curl up in the corner with my arms wrapped around my head. I don't know how long it took for Harry and Ron to come back to the cabin, and when they did their arms were loaded with sweets. They asked me what happened, and they almost looked concerned, but I brushed them off in favor of a Sugar Quill. I couldn't admit it, but I'd enjoyed the kiss however short it had been. We've arrived, I'm finally home, after ten long months!_

That was how it started, one short kiss. One short kiss that could potentially ruin everything I had worked so hard to achieve. But I knew, I knew something was going to come because of June 3rd. I just didn't know what…

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Well, that's the end of the Introduction. This is sort of like a preview. Review if you enjoyed this.

InLove09


	2. My Fears

Disclaimer: I do not own anything within this story as it all belongs to J.K. Rowling.

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As I look back I can tell you that what seemed important when I was younger is just a speck in my life now, and I'm only 21. It's amusing actually, my friends and I made such a huge deal out of this, though the world we know never found out this even happened… well that is until this is published. If I can remember correctly I accidentally left the diary in my school bag and my mother shut it in the cupboard under the stairs, where she put all of my school things until about two weeks before school started. When I finally remembered the diary I had just woken up from a very disturbing dream, due to my alarm screeching in my ear and the numbers 6:54 violently gazing at me in bold red light. At this I ran from my room, clad in the flannel pajamas I wore often at home then, down the stairs and into my mother. I had to practically beg her to unlock the cupboard and let me get the book, she kept other things in the cupboard as well (like alcohol and poisons for any rodents we might get) that she and my father were afraid I'd get to as a child… they just were so accustomed to living like that, that's the way it stayed. Later, after my parents… well left us and willed the house me, I actually found out exactly what was in the cupboard. I don't know why I had wanted to know so badly but mother had slowly walked down the hall and gotten the bag. She looked at me and said, "Now get what you want out of here and go get dressed." I grabbed the diary and dashed up the stairs but I could have sworn that I heard mother laughing and talking with father over the whimsies of a 15 year old girl… but I could be wrong.

_**June 9, 1996**_

_I can't believe I left this beautiful book in my bag! I look back and read my last entry and it brings back horrible thoughts… maybe I liked the kiss, but that is absolutely impossible... isn't it? Mother and Father are planning to go to this gala, and want me to go meet their major investor's son. He's a year older than me and from everything they say would be completely dull! I can't stand it when they make me go to these events, I think I would do anything to get out of them, but I don't want to disappoint my parents and I feel that if I do they might find a way to send me away even when I'm not at Hogwarts. I'll probably go, but I'll tell mum that I'll wear one of last year's gowns. Speaking of Hogwarts, I haven't received one letter from Harry, Ron or Ginny yet, and Ginny promised me she would write as quickly as possible. Oh, I'm doing it again… what my therapist calls worrying over scenes made up in my mind and my father calls being OCD, in other words a control freak, and I should probably do my meditation exercises…_

You should probably know that it's a family trait of mine to go to a therapist, once a Granger reached the age of 11 they were scheduled into a therapist's books to keep their heads clear and not thinking thoughts of…well… you an imagine. Well from there I changed into my sweats and went through my daily steps of imagining that stupid place therapists tell you to think of, all calm and quiet. It's crap if you ask me… I actually was very scared that Harry and Ron would somehow discover what Malfoy and I had done. But one can really never be sure of anything when you look forward in your life and envision what is to come. As I sat down to write another entry my mother knocked on my door and told me, not asking or requesting, that I was to go out with my cousin Cindy to find a gown. So, I was rushed from my room and into my parent's car, my diary lay forgotten on my silky blue comforter. When I got back I threw my bags onto the floor and jumped onto my bed, and I felt something digging into my back. I quickly remembered my journal and pulled it out from under myself.

_**Later**_

_I wish my parents would stop trying to make me their perfect debutante! When my mother and I were out shopping with Cindy (my mother's sister's daughter) all my mother could talk about was how wonderful she looked, how she had come out to society and looked gorgeous in her white dress, how she was so charming, what she will do after university! I wanted to scream when we were trying on dresses when my mother kept complimenting her and telling me that everything looked wrong on me. I finally settled on a full length simple black dress and she had this gaudy, hot pink beaded cocktail dress. I mean, I understand my mother being tactful and saying that looked nice, but I truly think she was being honest. I wanted to run and hide when the cashier asked if she and her daughter needed anything and she told him that I was her daughter not Cindy… I have to go there's an owl at the window…_

I had been hoping that the letter was from Harry or Ron, maybe even Ginny, but it was from the headmaster. Professor Dumbledore sent me a signed, sealed letter informing my family and myself that death eaters are on the streets and to beware of Voldemort because my family could be targeted. I gave the tawny owl a small treat and went to usher him out the window, but another owl came swooping in and almost killed the other owl with how fast he was flying. The smaller, tawny owl silently left unnoticed as I focused my attention on the intruding owl. I later learned that the owl was an eagle owl named Aiko (meaning little loved one in Japanese). It was a beautiful owl really; its feathers were a shade of ebony and felt silky smooth to the touch. The owl stuck out her foot and waited for me to take the letter and as I untied the coarse rope she flew out the open window just as quickly as she came. She was gone, and I didn't see her again until a year later. As my eyes skimmed over the letter my mouth dropped in shock. It was a death notice signed by Voldemort himself notifying myself and my family that we were the next mudblood family to be sentenced to death by way of the Killing Curse. I couldn't believe what I was reading, the letter also described that I would be the only one warned of my death. That if I left the country I would either be hunted down and killed or kept to be sold as a servant for later use. Tears came to my eyes knowing all I could do was sit and wait with my mother and father until Voldemort decided we were worth killing.

_**June 10, 1996**_

_I am afraid, the letters I've received are both welcome and unwelcome respectively. I don't know whether to tell my parents we should run or stay and await our impending death. Harry, Ron and Ginny sent me notice of their existence this morning. Harry wrote me a sweet letter updating me in that Ron has found a muggle girlfriend out at the burrow. At that I wanted to cry, I've always known that we would never be together I guess, but this just finalizes my fears. Ron, or course, told me nothing of this just telling me that Fred and George are making some money at their joke shop and sending Ginny money every once in a while (much to Arthur and Molly's displeasure), Ginny just wrote me saying everything was giddy at the burrow and asking me when I was coming out. She also sent me a compact disc. It's called RENT. Apparently it is a new Broadway musical and all the rage in America. I've listened to it and don't understand all the fuss, I find it rather stupid._

Now I find that stupidity is a complete smash. Rather odd isn't it. Oh well, life is what life is. As you know I wasn't killed, I am sitting here recounting all of this. My parents were killed later after I turned nineteen. Voldemort made good on his threat, and captured me, and I was later sold to the highest bidder… that is until the highest bidder was assassinated and I was freed…

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So, how did you like it?


	3. My Dreams

Disclaimer: I do not own anything within this story as it all belongs to J.K. Rowling. I would also like you to give me a break, I don't write very often. Please review and give suggestions if you want.

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_**June 13, 1996**_

_I am afraid, I received the latest Daily Prophet from Harry and on the cover was this horrible picture of the dark mark flying high in the sky. That is, suspended above the house of a muggle family in Stratford-upon-Avon. The thought suddenly hit me that Voldemort might actually make good on his threat towards me and I hope he won't. An almost equal horror has also come to my attention. I have to go for a moment_

When I was little we had the sweetest neighbor. His name was Mr. Malloy, Mr. Westly Malloy. He was the oldest man we children had ever seen. The eighty-seven year old man was sharp as a tack and loved to have us kids over to play, providing another adult was there to help handle us. We would have tea then he would tell us stories about the war, World War II that is. One day when I was about eight the neighborhood stopped getting his wonderful party invitations; I later learned from my parents that his son had moved in with him to help care for the old man. Mr. Malloy's son, Mr. Westly Malloy Jr., was the one of the meanest, most bitter fifty-nine year old bastards you will ever meet, but Mr. Malloy wasn't nearly as horrible to me as his grandson. He came every summer. That was the ten year old monster of my nightmares. Dannie Malloy was the son of Cynthia Paren-Malloy and he and I were often forced on 'play-dates'. As we grew older, and I left for Hogwarts every spring, he grew kinder with the close deaths of his great-grandfather, then later his grandfather. When our paths would cross, instead of the usual child-like insults, the aging boy would ignore me… And that might've hurt more than the fights if I'd had a crush on Dannie. Now he was seventeen and he and his mum and dad have lived in Mr. W. Malloy Sr.'s house for three years now. Our parents never did end up getting along that well so our sights of each other dwindled down to random glimpses in the neighborhood. That summer was hardest on him I think…

_**Later **_

_I've heard something so horrible. The Malloy's next door have gone missing, Mrs. Cynthia_ Paren-Malloy_ had sent Dannie out to the store. Of course, for some reason he came next door to ask what, if anything, we needed and took his sweet time at the store. He came home to an unlocked, open front door and a house that looked like a war had been waged inside. Afraid, he first came to my window and yelled up at me. I was angry at being disturbed from my book – Pride and Prejudice – and looked down at him, thoroughly annoyed "Somethin's wrong 'Mione" I merely looked at him confused, "Lemme In"! Well, I started telling him off about bothering me but he just looked up at me so afraid. I couldn't tell him no… so I ran down the stairs and ushered him inside. As soon as we were safely inside he pulled me into a huge hug and kissed my cheek. "They're gone, my family's gone!" I stared at him in shock and grabbed his hand. Then I promptly dragged him to my fathers study. "Daddy," I said, "The Malloy's are missing!" Dad looked up in surprise at my burst and grabbed the phone. He looked at us as if to say "Are you sure?" and Dannie nodded and father dialed the emergency tele-operators. _

I never realized how important my muggle life was, or how quickly it could change until that summer. While I was in school seventh year I received a letter informing myself the Malloy's bodies had been found and that my parents and I were in the will. I let myself cry for Dannie then. Life's odd like that I guess, isn't it? Well I'll omit the next part of my journal, it merely describes the conversation that occurred between my father, Dannie and I. To sum up the events my father called the police and over the next few fours our household and Dannie were questioned and watched for any clues as to what had happened to them. As Dannie's only living relative lived in America, the police asked my parents to take him in for a while. My mother told him they'd have a room ready for him by the weekend but for tonight would have to sleep in the guest room close to mine. I led him up the back stairwell towards the always prepared guest room. I showed him everything he could possibly need along the way. I left him there and walked to my room across the hall and changed into my sleepwear. I had turned off my light and pilled the sheets over my body when I heard a knock at my door; I scurried over to my door and flung it open exposing my mother. I don't remember all of the conversation and I didn't write it down, just that my mother hugged me, told me she loved me and took her grandmother's locket off from her neck and put it around mine. I had never seen my mother remove it and I resolved to wear it until it was time to give it to my child, if I had one. I slowly lumbered back to my bed when yet another knock, thinking my mother had merely forgotten something I ignored the sound and tried to all asleep. I didn't hear the door open, but I felt someone getting in to my bed. Startled I turned to face the intruder and to my surprise I saw Dannie. He told – no – asked me if he could stay and I simply asked him why. He looked at me with pleading eyes and said he was afraid… afraid for his parents and afraid of what he would dream at night. He also told me what he had seen inside his house, it wasn't much, most of the furniture was the same but blood was everywhere. He'd gone to look for his parents, and in his room, to his horror, Dannie found Ayah – the family German Sheppard – mutilated on his bed. He told me Ayah always kept him warm at night; she always slept at his feet. All this while I had gradually moved so that my head lat against Dannie's shoulder I felt my self drifting to sleep as Dannie told me a story about one summer when his family and he had went on vacation with Ayah.

My dreams that night will haunt me for the rest of my existence. As I lay there next to Dannie my dream began with me climbing out of bed. I looked down at the other body lying in the sheets, no matter how hard I couldn't make out the face that belonged to the person – obviously male judging from the lack of sheets – I leaned over and began throwing clothes at the sleeping figure.

"Get the hell out," I growled in his direction. The man leaned up, seemingly surprised.

"C'mon Hermione, you don't want me gone just yet, do you?" It was then that I recognized the man's voice…

"Malfoy, I admit it was fun, but I don't need you here when my husband gets home." Malfoy looked up at me and simply relaxed in my king-sized bed.

"Tsk, tsk Granger… oh wait I shouldn't call you that anymore Mrs.-" There was a huge crash before Malfoy could finish his sentence, "We'll do this again sometime?" He stated more than asked. I was silent in response though. He quickly dressed before wrapping his arms around my waist. "Hermione-" he paused to kiss my neck as I stared into the mirror of my vanity. I could see his reflection as he continued, "You do want to do this again, don't you?" He kissed my neck again but began running his hands along my inner thighs. I shook my head as I suddenly had an out of body feeling, I could suddenly see my dream-self leaning into Malfoy's arms. I felt my consciousness jerk as I closed my eyes, when I opened them again I was back 'inside' myself. In my mind –my real mind– I wanted to look at where I had just seen the scene I was now located, except I felt myself turning the other direction. I was now facing Malfoy as I placed my hands on his chest.

"Malfoy, if I've told you once I've told you twice! GET OUT!"

"Alright," I heard him say and that's when I felt it, Malfoy pressed his lips to mine. My eyes snapped open, and I could feel my hands wrap around his neck. My body responded to his as Malfoy continued his ministrations – rubbing my thighs up to my shoulders before grabbing my shoulders and pulling me closer to him. We kissed even harder before I heard a pop and the door open. I stumbled back and hit the vanity as I saw the man guessed was my husband walk in. Surprised, he dropped his wand before Malfoy slowly stepped away from my near naked body. I heard Malfoy's pop of disapperation and looked at the white face – or what was supposed to be – of Mr. Tom Marvolo Riddle. I shrunk back in fear as his snake-like face and body stalked towards mine. His cold, pale hand clasped my upper arm as his red eyes looked me straight in the eye.

"I don't mind you wandering of your own free will around my house and around my people," I heard him hiss, "but I'll be damned if I let you fuck with one of my followers!" I could feel the hate emanating from his voice. I wanted to shrink away in fear, but somehow I felt that this happened often and developed the courage to look him in the eyes.

"You might own me, you might've taken everything and everyone I've loved away from me, but you will never control me!" I could see his hand coming towards my face and felt the sting of his palm contacting with my cheek. I slowly, but steadily, passed him and left the room. It was then I was awoken.

My mother was standing over me when my eyes opened. She was next to the drawers near my bedside with a wet wash cloth, about to put it to my forehead. She looked at me with worry and ushered someone near. I saw the family doctor and felt myself blacking out again. This night terror was even worse than the first. Instead of one continuous scene like it had been the first time. The images were just flashes – the first few were of different locations where someone had sent up a dark mark. The visions didn't stop like I'd hoped they would, they got worse. As the green flashes increased the more gruesome each dead body I saw became. I was slowly becoming comatose and there was nothing I could do to stop it. All I could do was lie there, thrashing in my sheets; I later found that my mother and father held me down. While all this was happened the flashes stopped, they became one continuous scene, and I began to wish it hadn't. I was walking through a still room and I looked around, realizing something was odd, no one was moving. I realized I was next door in the Malloy's home, Cynthia was sitting with her husband as I walked in the family's informal parlor, they were watching an edition of the evening news. Dannie had keys in his hand and was in mid-step towards the back door. I'd just taken in the scene when it suddenly felt like the room was going four times faster than I was. I felt a jerk as everything suddenly stopped. The Malloy's were no longer in the parlor, as I walked I found Cynthia in the kitchen preparing supper, sans ingredients she sent Dannie out for, and Mr. Malloy was in the process of opening the front door. As I stood there time seemed to begin yet again. As Mr. Malloy held the door handle the caller pushed through the door. I stood there trying to move to help Mr. Malloy, but my body was motionless. Two men dressed in black pushed into the house. One man had a gun aimed at Mr. Malloy's chest, and the other had a knife in his hands but a gun on his belt. It was at that moment that I saw what scared me the most – the body bags. These two men had somehow gotten a hold of law enforcement morgue issue body bags, and I knew that the Malloy's would never be seen again…

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Thank you to anyone who had read this story before. I was a horrible updater and needed someone to kick me in the ass. This story is currently being fixed and

InLove09


	4. The Truth and Horrors

Disclaimer: I do not own anything within this story as it all belongs to J.K. Rowling. I would also like you to give me a break, I don't write very often. Please review and give suggestions if you want.

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Chapter 3: The Truth and Horrors

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Seeing other magical beings brutally slaughter muggles is horrible, but usually when they do die there's a flash and they don't get up. Yes, they are usually crucioed and imperioused until they're crazy, but seeing muggles kill muggles, this was nearly unbearable. Dreams like those; especially when you realize they actually happened to someone you knew, and that they had done nothing wrong in their lives ever, make you want to die inside. That was what I wanted to do at that moment, drop dead for them so Dannie could have his family back. Except that only made sense in my mind, it was nonsense all in all… The dream continued but thankfully jumped past all the gruesome details, to me standing by a lake watching the two men weighting down the bags with bricks and throwing them into the middle of a lake, I looked around trying to soak up the sights that surrounded my dream self, but I woke up. I woke up then panting and gasping for breath. Now, this dream might not have seemed too long, and when I look back it went slower that one would think, but I as I looked frantically around the empty room I screamed for someone to come. Dannie was the first one in and scrambled to kneel by my bedside, he held my clammy hand and said he was so happy I was awake, and my Mother was the next into the room she looked so happy to see me awake and I couldn't comprehend why. She turned to Dannie and silently ushered him out of the room, then she leant down and swept me up into the most loving hug I'd ever felt from her. She quietly whispered in my ear that the doctor had thought I wouldn't wake up, and I looked at her in confusion. It was then she pointed to the small calendar I had next to my bed. She had lovingly crossed off the dates for me and I saw that the date was June 22; I had been unresponsive for a little over a week. As I thought about it I secretly wondered why I hadn't been taken to a hospital, but my parents never trusted hospitals after a surgery my father had gone through before I was born. That was why we paid extra for a doctor to come to our home. I shouldn't really say that, it was more than a home; it was larger than what you would think. You see, my parents were rather successful dentists, I mean, we weren't drowning in money but we paid the bills with quite a bit leftover every month… which ended up going towards a five bedroom, four and a half bath residence about half an hour from their practice.

I sat for the next night on my bed, thinking is what my parents thought and Dannie probably thought his bookworm neighbor had her amazingly bushy hair buried in a book, but I was thinking of what I'd dreamed; remembering, writing in my journal (omitting those details due to personal issues) and contemplating the first more than the second. I couldn't fathom that the first could be true, leading me to believe the second was even more preposterous. How on earth could I be married to Voldemort and having an affair with Hogwarts very own Bouncing Ferret, Draco Malfoy. It was more than 100 percent impossible. Wasn't it?

_**June 22, 1996**_

_My mother and Dannie have just informed me that it's been a week since I had seen them last, and that they had been so worried for me. That somewhat surprises me on Dannie's part; I mean we've never been close, acquaintances you could say, but not close friends. Being a teenager is confusing, and it makes it even harder that I'm away at Hogwarts most of the year; I don't know anyone here at home well at all, at least not like everyone else knows each other. Why shouldn't they be friends, they've gone to school for five years without me, at least they know what to talk about with one another. I don't know what bands are in now; I can't really get magic out of my head… I guess I know now that once I leave Hogwarts I shouldn't come back to the muggle world, it would be too hard. While I was out my dreams were weird. The first was the weirder one, while the second was simply bloody to a horrible extent. In the first dream I was in bed with Draco Malfoy, isn't that just the silliest thing you've ever bloody heard? I mean that bastard's called me a mudblood for the last four years, and it's been my all to not bawl when he gets crueler. It hurts so much to know that someone dislikes me that much, what did I ever do to him? I guess in his opinion being born is enough of a crime. But in the dream he and I had just finished having sex, I mean come on, that is never going to happen! I told him to leave and it was then I noticed the dark mark on his forearm. As I think about it I should've known I would dream him up evil, it's just what I think of him. The dream continued and just as we were about to have sex again my husband came into the room, Malfoy saw him before I did and bowed before disapperating. I slowly turned to face my husband and I was shocked to see that I was wed to Voldemort. He and I got into a fight about who I have my affairs with and how he owns my being, but I told him he could never truly control me and walked away. I can remember waking for a small amount of time before passing out again when the second dream came. _**(Omission Due to Subject's Request)**_ Isn't that just horrible? I'll never forget the bloody sight of Mr. and Mrs. Malloy and I will always be here for Dannie when he needs me. Always!_

I'm sorry that I asked the writer not to publish that part of my diary but it brings back to many memories for me and I don't wish those thoughts onto the world. I find it rather ironic now when I said I'd always be there for Dannie yet I wanted to leave the muggle world behind forever…The rest of June went by so fast for me. Nothing of literature interest happened to me at all, just the usual fluff one expects out of summer. Here are the rest of the entries from June.

_**June 24, 1996**_

_Yesterday was interesting; I woke up and lazily stumbled down the stairs and towards the kitchen. Dannie was there with my father making breakfast. He was at the stovetop frying bacon while my lovely father was flipping pancakes. I asked to help and my father nodded to the fruit basket, I got the message and began cutting our usual fresh fruits for breakfast. It was a usual lazy Monday morning at my house. I asked my father where mom was and he told me she wasn't up yet, that she wasn't feeling well. I knew my mother had spouts like these, when her diabetes would act up. She sat in bed munching on things until her levels were normal. Dannie and I said goodbye to my father as we watched him take a tray for two up to my mother. As we (Dannie and I) sat down I let myself turn to Dannie and raise an eyebrow, and we both started laughing so uncontrollably hard. We laughed for two reasons, at my fathers attempt to be romantic and, well I'm not sure what the other reason was…_

It's amazing what connections the mind of a teenager can make isn't it?

_**June 25, 1996**_

_I just returned from Doctor Griffin's office today. I really, really dislike shrinks, but I guess that's what my parents think will help me more than anything. Today we talked about what is going through my mind about the kidnapping and possible murders of Mr. and Mrs. Malloy, and Dannie moving into my family's home. In my opinion I had no problem with any of these things, well… I guess I shouldn't bloody write in ink, eh? I meant that I have no problems with Dannie living with us and that the Malloy's disappearance deeply disturbs me. Somehow, out of that, my wonderfully psychotic, over thinking, female doctor thinks that I have an obsession of having sex with Dannie. She also felt she should talk with my parents about putting me on birth control. I didn't know what to think, I simply told her Dannie and I were too much of enemies to do that, and that I was only 15 and didn't need to be thinking about that instead of my school work… that bloody witch just laughed and if I didn't know any better I'd say she was rooting for me to – you know – with Dannie… yuck…She did say that I better watch myself because I was physically growing up, I merely scoffed at her._

_**June 27, 1996**_

_I'm more afraid than usually… I've heeded my some of my therapist's advice in the sense that I've began staying away from Dannie, but about twelve in the afternoon today he confronted me after I got home from the library. Mum and Dad were at the office and were planning a late night there to go over books… it's nearly eleven and they still aren't home…Dannie wanted to know why I was acting so weird, and I couldn't even look him in the eye. He grabbed me by the arm and forced me to look him in the eye. He asked me again what was wrong and I froze, I couldn't speak… I just gaped like a fish and stuttered out nothing instead of words. For a while he just looked me in the eye before looking behind me for a second, his eyes going wide, then scampering off to 'his' room. I stood there in confusion, wondering what just happened before ducking into my own bedroom and flinging my body onto the bed. It was then I remembered you, my wonderful leather bound book of blank pages. I've also decided to begin drawing in you too, I'm not good but I'm not too horribly bad. Am I? _Sketch of a young dragonet hatching from an egg on opposite page of diary

_**June 29, 1996**_

_He kissed me. The bloody bastard kissed me, and I just stood there. Mum had just gotten home from work and was making chicken __Alfredo__ in the kitchen and Dad wasn't coming home for a while, so she said. I went into the library to find the key for under the back staircase, I needed to do some work on a transfiguration essay Professor McGonagall assigned before break, and there was Dannie sitting on the old Victorian couch. I was startled to see Dannie there, and I had no idea what to do; did I go up to him, if I did, did I try to explain my actions last night, or did I simply ignore him and try to find the key. My brain was saying one thing, but my heart was saying another. I decided to listen to my brain and ignore him, so I went straight to my father's desk and opened up one of the drawers. Except he followed me, he gently grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him. I stood there stunned, not knowing what to the say to him. Fortunately for me, the bloody bastard kissed me so I didn't have to say anything. I guess it was a blessing and a curse, but how do I explain why everything is so awkward and between us to my parents? _

_**June 30, 1996 **_

_Dannie found me this morning and he asked me if we could just forget it ever happened. How am I supposed to forget that he kissed me? He says that it was just a mistake… that he never really meant to do it in the first place. Let me explain to you, diary, how it has all happened… that is how he found me, or rather why I let him. I'd just gotten out of bed, and I still didn't know what to think about the kiss, so when I heard a knock at the door… I just assumed that it wouldn't be him. That was a big mistake. I opened the door, and there he was. He was just standing in the doorway waiting for me. It's hard to explain what I felt; I think it was a mixture of happiness, confusion, and most likely anger. I tried to shut the door in his face, but he held it open. He pushed his way into my room, and tried to explain to me that he was just caught up in some dream, or idea of what he would like life to be like. I think he wants me to be some sort of a go-to-girl when things get too hard for him to deal with. After he left, I didn't go down to breakfast, I stayed in my room and cried._

As I go through these thoughts that I wrote, I realize how trivial it is to me now... I mean what does a simple kiss mean to a girl who had to kill to save her life? Who lost almost all who were dear to her? Who is in a loveless marriage? It really makes me think about everything that I did as a child... What about you?

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So that's it for this chapter, please tell me what you think. If you read it, please review it.

InLove09


	5. Trying to Forget the Past…

Disclaimer: I do not own anything within this story as it all belongs to J.K. Rowling. I would also like you to give me a break, I don't write very often. Please review and give suggestions if you want.

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Chapter 4: Trying to Forget the Past… Present… and Future

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_**July 2, 1996**_

_I was hoping that July would bring a new start…a way to forget everything that happened during June, but boy was I mistaken. Yesterday was the most humiliating moment of my life but it was also a godsend from above… it was during a formal dinner my parents hosted. My mother invited her sister's family; I personally thought it was a horrible idea. I really bloody hate Cindy, and I knew that the stupid blonde bimbo would try something and I was right. I came downstairs and there is some of her looking at Dannie like a piece of meat. I know I have no right to think like this, I have no claim on Dannie. Except, I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy when she swayed over to him and started hanging all over him… stupid skank… she was wearing that gaudy, beaded dress she bought and Merlin she was hanging out of it. I watched as business went about as usual at these dinners; father conversing with Uncle, mother gossiping with Aunty, usually myself ignoring Cindy… but now I was having issues doing that. I found myself wanting to go over there and… well I won't say what I wanted to do to her. She made me feel so ugly in my plain dress. We sat down as mother served dinner and conversation was the usual 'no teen talk' until Cindy had an idea… probably her first ever…turned to Dannie and started talking to him. That's when I saw her put her hand on his leg. _

_I inwardly felt myself flush in anger. Cindy's advances continued throughout dinner, except that is, until during dessert Cindy finally burst out, quietly so the adults couldn't hear, "Dannie, why are you acting like this? Guy's don't usually tell me no. You don't have a girlfriend, you told me you didn't… I mean it's not like you and Hermione have done anything…" I overheard this and looked at my lap, flushing, while Dannie said nothing. Somehow, I knew Cindy wasn't as bloody stupid as she looked… and believe me she looks REALLY stupid. Suddenly the whore got louder, "Oh my god," she looked back and forth between Dannie and I, "You two __have__ done something." This got my parents attention. Their conversations with my Aunt and Uncle suddenly ceased and all four of their heads turned to us. I stood and tried to excuse myself, but a stern look from my father had me shrinking back into my seat. Cindy had an evil gleam in her eye. "So," she continued, "What have you and my sweet, innocent, naïve cousin done, Dannie?" We both remained silent when my father spoke up. _

"_Hermione, Dannie, follow me…" We both stood and followed my father out of the room. From the hallway I could hear Cindy laughing and my mother apologizing profusely to her sister and brother-in-law. Dannie and I were ironically led into the library by my father, he had no idea that this was where __**it**__ had happened. My father sat at his desk and Dannie and I kept as far away from each other as possible. I'm really not sure if my father noticed this because he said, "Hermione, do you want to tell me what happened?" When I was silent he turned on Dannie, "Tell me what happened here, or you're out of my house…"_

If I can remember correctly it was rather more colorful than that…

_I looked over at Dannie and I could see how frantic he was at the moment, so I put aside my embarrassment and spoke up. "It was nothing father, Cindy had no idea what she was say-" _

_My father cut me off, "Hermione, don't blame this on your cousin!" _

_I continued, "Papa, we kissed, that's all!" I thought quickly to think up a way to ensure that Dannie wasn't forced to leave, "It was a couple years ago, and we both agreed it was nothing!" This calmed him down a bit, and he let us go back into the dining room. When Cindy saw us she smirked, and my family and Dannie said goodbye to them. When my mother shut the front door and we were all standing in the foyer father stood in a corner, silent, knowing what was going to come. Mother turned to face Dannie and I, I felt myself pale with the onslaught I thought my mother had planned. Instead though, she looked from me to Dannie and pushed between us, she climbed the stairs. My father followed her, creeping after her silent form. I looked at Dannie, knowing my mother's shame and humiliation. I felt hot tears run down my cheeks as I wondered what the conversation between my mother and her sister entailed. I know that my aunt is extremely conservative and believes that there should be no mention of romance at the dinner table, and I also know that my mother craves her older sister's approval. I wish she wasn't so naïve about her own daughter's disgusting habits. I was so caught up in my thoughts of how I disappointed my mother I didn't even hear Dannie attempt to get my attention. When I actually looked up I saw him grudgingly walk up the stairs, I assumed he was just going to bed so I called out to him. "I'm sorry Dannie, I really am, I had no clue that they would act like that." He slowly turned on the stairs and stared at me. _

"_What are you sorry for Hermione?" I could hear the anger and annoyance in his voice, but I could also hear a hint of fear, probably due to my father's words and my mother's lack of them. "Are you sorry for lying to your parents? Are you sorry for Cindy practically molesting me? Or are you sorry for completely ignoring me just now?" I looked down at the floor, my eyes wide, thinking about what he said. _

"_Dannie, I'm sorry for everything you just said, but I had to lie to my father or he would've had you thrown out… and Cindy, well, I don't know why I'm sorry about her, I don't know why that's my fault… you were the one who said we should forget the kiss ever happened, so I just assumed you didn't mind because you didn't push her away. And another thing, I didn't even realize I ignored you. When did I do this before I __completely__ admit to being sorry," I looked at him intently, wondering what he could possibly have meant by saying that I ignored him. If anything, to my knowledge, I had done anything but. _

"_Hermione, I was just standing in front you trying to get your attention! I wanted to talk, but obviously you were busy doing something else…" I cut him off there._

"_Dannie, I had no idea, if you still want to talk… I've got nothing to do." The look in Dannie's eyes softened and he looked at me with slight warmth. He held his hand out to me. I happily took it as he led me upstairs. When we reached my doorway I opened it and followed him inside. I shut the door slowly, as to not alert my parents that one of us had come upstairs. "So, what did you want to talk about Dannie?"_

"_I – well – Hermione, I wanted to talk to you about the kiss. You know, the one that happened a couple years ago…" He had a slight smile on his lips as he said this, "I just wanted to let you know that what I told you – that it was nothing – I don't think I told you the entire truth. The reason I told you that was I didn't think it was right to feel that way when I lived in your parents' house and ate their food. Plus, we've known each other for so long I didn't want it to change anything." _

_I had a sudden urge to knock him over the head. What did I care if we were in my parent's house or eating their food, if you like someone you should just tell them outright! That is… if you're a guy… girls have to be delicate and proper to attract men, not brash and pushy so as to push them away. I can't believe I actually said that, I sound like my mother now. My mother, I wonder if she'll talk to me soon… I wonder if they'll be home when I wake up, if they'll do what they did before Dannie moved in and go to the office before I wake and come back when I'm already asleep… Oh No… What have I done?_

It wasn't my first kiss… hell it wasn't even the first time I lied to my parents, but for some reason this made me feel like every thing that had happened since Dannie had come would never have happened, that I would become just another resident again… instead of a daughter. All because of how everything played out… I felt like I had been hit by a bloody train, all my emotions were becoming painful. I hated it all… and now I wish I had it back, yes, I know I've said this once but I really want it to be back to that sense of normalcy.

Life has always been hectic, after Hogwarts wasn't any different. My parents always told me that school was a delusional, diluted version of life – where everything could be fixed with an extra credit assignment or detention and everything was perfect. Except with friends like I had, every year had the risk of death so I guess being a graduate wasn't too different, but in a way it was. In school I didn't have my husband pressuring me, I didn't have his friends constantly gawking at me, and I actually had my friends. Ginny hadn't been tortured into insanity, Harry wasn't missing, McGonagall and the Patil twins weren't dead, and Ron hadn't committed suicide after Lavender was raped and murdered. I'm not alone I guess. I mean, sure I have a husband, but that is a loveless trip to nowhere. Yes, I said loveless… the only reason that bastard married me was to bloody prove to the Order that the Death Eaters had the upper-hand. I guess that proved to be correct, and showed how weak McGonagall was without Dumbledore – because then she killed herself too. I hate that they're gone, they left me alone with him. Him… the husband that forced me into a day that should have been perfect, with my mother crying in a pew and my father walking me down the isle, but it wasn't anything like I imagined. It was hell.

Let me tell you a little back story, at the age of 17 – nearly 18 – I graduated Hogwarts and started to venture into journalism, but was abducted and sold for 13,837 American dollars. When I was 'delivered' to the highest bidder I was disgusted. He was a greedy, sloth-like, gluttonous, 58 year-old Italian–American man, I later learned was a mob boss. Had I been with the man longer than I was I probably would've learned that he was the definition of all of the seven deadly sins. I didn't get more than 130 feet towards him before – flash – he was on the ground. I looked behind me and there were 8 death eaters, wands at the ready. I don't know why they got rid of him but when they saw me they whispered amongst themselves, I had already started to try to find my way out… the nearest apparition point, they came towards me and one picked me up around my waist. In a flash I felt myself being pulled across space… to a remote, abandoned ruin where there were throngs of masked men in black robes. I was pushed in front of the remnants of a vast staircase, in the process of some twisted sense of restoration. I heard and felt a gush of air move around me as I guessed the room kneeled. I slowly moved my eyes upward and saw a sight I hoped that I only would've seen lying dead before Harry's feet. Voldemort stood before me, smirking in a way only his lipless mouth could. My bastard husband wouldn't let me forget what happened next.

"So, the little mudblood's come to play, eh? Who brought her here?" A cluster of hands raised, "Hm…. By the way she's dressed I'd say she just got back from market…" A sinister smile crossed his face as his hands made a motion I couldn't see. While all this occurred I was in the process of standing, just to prove I don't bow… to anyone. Well, I learned this wasn't exactly the smartest move I've ever made when I was suddenly grabbed from behind and my wrists tied together behind my back. I was forced to my knees, with a steady pressure on my shoulders, as Voldemort felt like he should continue his speech, "Who bought you my little mudblood?" A small figure whispered something and a deranged laugh came from Voldemort's throat. "Bertenelli? Really? That fat bastard… Did you get her when you killed him? Good, I don't need any damn American messing with my plans." That was where his ranting became aimed towards me, "So, how would you like to thank my follower's for saving you from that ass?" I merely spit at his feet when I suddenly felt a sharp kick at my abdomen. The bastard just kicked me in the stomach and my eyes clenched from the pain, but I made no noise. "Oh, come on Miss Granger, isn't there something you would like to say to your rescuers? Or are you that unthankful? Tsk, Tsk… What should we do with you?" After this, a colorful amount of suggestions were shouted when out of the blue I heard, 'Make an example of her!' Voldemort looked up at this, a twisted gleam in his eyes, "An example? Yes. Why don't we show the Order exactly who they're dealing with!" A loud uproar came from the crowd. Voldemort looked to his left and I was taken away, led down a corridor and thrown into a makeshift prison cell that was charmed so I couldn't escape. I don't know how much time went by before I was dragged out again. When I was, I was tossed carelessly into a room with around six female death eaters. I looked around the room and found that they were all glaring at me, with hate in their eyes, but there was something odd… There was an armoire too. One of the women stepped forward and roughly grabbed my arm.

"We've got to get you ready… like bloody fucking servants..." she mumbled under her breath, probably not realizing that I could hear her while another piped.

"Merlin, I don't understand why you are allowed this; this is a privilege… not a punishment!" I quickly figured this was a French woman, from her dreadful accent. I quickly became confused as to what was going on; that was when I was pulled behind a screen, the dirt scourged off my body, and another woman brought forward a clean set of robes. Two women forced me into them, and I felt slightly relieved because I was warm… and clean, but I felt disgusted because I knew I was probably being cleaned so the Order would recognize my body when they sent it back. To prove I was dead. I kept my head held high, in plight of my impending doom, while the women combed the knots from my hair. When I looked close to my usual appearance I was taken back into the main chamber, where I was first thrown at the monster's feet. That was where it happened, the thing that made that day the worst of my life. I was forced to marry that bastard. Voldemort is now my magically bound husband, and there is no way (short of killing myself or him… which I've pondered and tried) out of it. I was held while the ceremony commenced, so I could not escape. I've said before that Voldemort made good on his threat, and he did he killed my parents as a Christmas present during my 19th year, the twisted son of a bitch. I wasn't captured by Voldemort, as you might've assumed, but it was close enough. I just thank Merlin he didn't rape me that night, if he did I think I would've died… or killed myself. I said that I tried, yes… I tried drowning myself, jumping off a cliff, and stabbing myself. All of which were foiled by one of two men. Voldemort saved me once… and Draco Malfoy twice. After which, I quickly ran from the room and hid myself in one of the dark, dank corridors in the corroded building. You probably wonder why in bloody hell I would let Draco Malfoy even get that close to me… well it's simple. We just finished having sex. Now, don't get all morally surprised on me, it was retribution sex… I was getting back at Voldemort; and he was getting back at his wife, Ceres, for going off and getting pregnant by another man. Ceres was the most annoying, bitchiest, whorish, snobby, self-righteous, Greek woman I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I'm surprised that he actually wants you to publish all of this… probably wants to show the world how much of a whore his wife is, but I'm not a whore! I was a virgin when Voldemort raped me for the first time, and I've only 'screwed' with two men, my husband… and my lover. Well, we're not really lovers… more like whenever he gets angry at Ceres… he runs into my arms. I don't know how many times it's happened… It just does. I even tried to end it once, but that just led to some absolutely amazing sex… it's really not my fault… At least, I think it's not…

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So, how do you like it? Tell me, I'd love to know! I'd also like to know if you have any suggestions, your opinion as a reader is always important… And here is my longest chapter yet!

InLove09


	6. If Only

Disclaimer: I do not own anything within this story as it all belongs to J.K. Rowling. BTW… I've written in a rape scene. If that disturbs you skip over a good portion of the dream sequence, but don't stop reading until Voldemort begins to speak… The story needed a bit of angst if you ask me. Ah well…! All dream information came from dream moods dot com, and a good portion of the death eater information came from hplexicon. This is HBP compatible but obviously does not comply with the final book. Also note it's post apocalyptic as well.

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Chapter 5: If Only

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Well, enough about me now; that is not why we're here. We're here to print my old journal and document my 'feelings', and 'remarks' on the subjects. I realize how stupid this all is right now; I shouldn't be rambling about me, my past, or anything… I could get someone killed. I was cushioned at that age. I was a bit more disillusioned than I should've been. Things were different then I guess… even in the years that followed.

_**July 3, 1996**_

_I told Dannie what I thought… minus the thing about sounding like my mother and such, and an awkward silence seemed to envelop the air. My parents were at the office, the house empty. We stood there; staring at each other, either of us knowing nothing to say to the other. I finally couldn't take anymore and left the house. I went to the garage and began to wheel my bicycle out when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I knew it was Dannie so I just shrugged it away. I had no desire to speak with him. Now or ever… that is if I could avoid it. Except it was then I felt a tugging on my arm and I could feel my body being dragged back inside the house. After we were both inside the house I heard the door shut behind us. I simply stood against the wall… my head hanging, awaiting the explanation I was sure would follow. I know it seems rather unlike me to not speak my mind… but there was just something about Dannie that made me want to run and hide. I'd never felt this way over a boy before…. It wasn't long before Dannie broke the silence._

"_Hermione? Do… Do you still want to talk? 'Cause if you don't I guess that's cool too. I just… you know…" He rambled out these words awkwardly. I spoke up as he trailed off, rolling my eyes._

"_No, Dannie, I don't know. I don't know anything when it comes to you. That alone drives me insane; it KILLS me to not know something. Why the bloody hell do you have to be so damn confusing?" My mind was reeling as I said this. Why couldn't he tell I was bloody pissed? You can't just tell someone that and not expect an emotional response. I attempted to walk away when I ran into Dannie's arm. I looked up only to see Dannie standing over me, both of his arms on either side of my body, pinning me to the wall. I felt anger towards Dannie begin to course through me. What did he think he was doing? "WHAT THE HELL DANNIE!" I practically screamed this before calming down and slowly forcing out, "Let me go." I turned my eyes to look into his and gave him a steady glare. Why do all of our conversations always end up in a fight?_

"_Hermione, listen to me __please__! I'm sorry… I guess I didn't think through what I said; I didn't think you would react this way. Believe me plea..." I cut Dannie off there._

"_That's just it Dannie, you didn't think. Granted, I'm not like most girls; I couldn't give a shit sometimes. Dannie, I really like you. More than I've liked any other guy I've known. And… God, it hurts sometimes," Dannie just looked down at his shoes, removing his arms from the wall. _

_I took this opportunity to silently walk away from him. I rounded a corner of the house, and began walking up the stairs. I could just imagine Dannie standing there, cursing himself for not taking the chance that was in front of him. I chuckled to myself, knowing that my daydreams happened so very often. I always did that; dream about something I wished would happen, but it never came true. I've always accepted that. I slowly climbed the stairs, wishing he would follow me, but the voice never came. Disheartened I entered my room and slowly shut the door. I sat on my bed and looked up at my ceiling, tears beginning to well up in my eyes. Why did shit like this have to happen to me? I lay my head on my pillow and felt my body shake in a sob. I lifted my legs up and turned so my sobs were smothered my pillow. _

_I hated pain, and good god this hurt one hell of a lot more than it should. Why did I always put myself in a position to get hurt? I did it first year when I let Harry and Ron make me cry… of course that worked out because they saved me from a mountain troll. But, then I did it again in third year when I proved to Malfoy that he could get under my skin, damned bastard knew just how to piss me off. In fourth year, Ron couldn't get it through his thick skull I was more than a girl, my first real crush didn't even notice me. I always set myself up for an emotional fall. My situation with Dannie proved that…_

I didn't get to finish my rant because I slowly drifted off to sleep. As soon as I fell asleep my dreams were soon haunted with disturbing dreams….

Some people say that dreams mean something about your life at that moment in time. I've even heard it said that dreaming serves as an outlet for things we repress during the day, that we can act in ways we wouldn't usually act in our real lives. I guess that would be why my dream that night was a continuation of one of my past nightmares… Except this time I viewed as an outside force, not a participant. It felt horrible, seeing what happened and not being able to control what I saw my body perform. When I awoke about four or five hours later I wanted to be sick… but that never happened. In some way my, in some corner of my brain, I wanted to know why what I saw happen, happened in my dream. But, I never would've admitted that when I was that age. I'll tell you now, prophetic dreams suck! The dream was as follows; I guess it should be depicted as I saw it… in the third person, that is:

I saw… well, it seems this is harder than I thought…

Hermione, my body, laid her back against the closed door. Her body moved against its will each time a fist on the opposite side pounded against the door. Tears streamed down her face as she magically locked the door with her wand. A spell she hoped her pursuer wouldn't recognize, and wouldn't know the counter spell. She took a fearful step away from the door and looked over her shoulder back in its direction. It continued to shake and tremble under the force put upon it. She knew he was angry and she wanted a way out. Hermione slowly but steadily trembled her way over to the vanity against the wall. The mahogany colonial piece of furniture held an oval mirror and Hermione looked at her appearance. Her peach slip was torn… the once full length slip now barely met the middle of her thighs. The edge was frayed and threads were hanging, there was a long rip along her stomach and one of the thin straps was threatening to snap away from the material in the front. Upon seeing the scars on her thighs and arms, Hermione slowly sat on the small stool that matched the vanity. She lifted a shaking hand to her face and wiped away the droplets of blood that were forming along the new cut at her cheek bone. She winced as a tear mingled with the cut, creating a stinging pain that coursed through her. Hermione looked at her disheveled appearance and cursed her husband inwardly. Her matted, unruly and knotted hair frizzed up like a poof in the humid castle corridors.

She was back in her youth's sanctuary, Hogwarts. Voldemort had seized the fortress from the few still loyal to the order. Dumbledore's white stone grave had been destroyed and Hermione could see the ruins from the tiny slit of a window in the room. The pounding at the door increased and Hermione's head snapped toward the intruding noise. With more fear in her system she looked fervently around the room, scanning every inch trying to remember where she put her secret. Her eyes gaze each object, observing the tiny room's articles. Was it underneath the mattress in the uniform dormitory bed? Or was it in the small bedside table next to it? Hermione closed her eyes, trying to remember where she had stashed the prohibited object. They snapped open and her fumbling hands opened a drawer and pulled out a long, wide and thin rectangle.

Her eyes slowly fluttered as she lifted the white lid off of the box. Hermione's pupils rested on the silver dagger that lay before her. Her fingers slowly traced the intricate steel handle and she picked up the blade with a new sense of confidence. She was openly sobbing now and she turned the dagger to point directly at her heart. Hermione was more than willing to end her suffering by shoving the damned blade into her, forcing the knife into her heart, ending her life. She began to add steady pressure, the tip of the blade breaking flesh and Hermione gasped at the sudden pain. She felt a stream of blood run down her chest when the door broke open and the knife flew out of her hands and flew into the hands of the intruder. Voldemort stood just inside the room, a sadistic smile on his face, holding the bloody knife in his hands. His eyes flashed in anger as he slowly but surely stalked towards Hermione.

"What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing?" He questioned; violence on his mind, "You belong to me bitch, and I decide when your life ends!"

Hermione gulped in fear, having no idea what was to come. Voldemort's anger was unpredictable towards her and she could see the hatred in his eyes, his want for her to be in pain. Hermione decided on taking the smartest course of action and for the only second time in her life kept her mouth closed. She knew that if she made any kind of response, she would most likely have been beaten. Normally, she wasn't the type of person to back down but this time she could feel a thick trail of blood seeping through her slip; staining the already ruined undergarment. Hermione slowly stood and backed away from the vanity, very quickly her back slamming against the wall, her steps back in tune with Voldemort's steps forward. When she hit the wall she closed her eyes and looked up, unsure of what would happen. All of a sudden she felt a force hit her, most likely a spell, and Hermione felt the wound on her chest heal and scar. She heard the dagger hit the stone ground with a clang before she opened her eyes to look directly into Voldemort's snake-like slits that posed for eyes. Having had enough Hermione raised her hand to slap the bastard in front of her, except one of Voldemort's pale, white hands ceased the weapon before it reached its target. He pushed her hand against the wall, holding it forcefully still.

"You have no idea what I'm capable of. DON'T cross me my little Mudblood, I can do things to you that would haunt your wildest dreams!" His thin lips hissed in hatred. In frustration of being held against her will, yet again, Hermione spit in his face.

"You can't scare me half-blood!" She smirked as his eyes flashed in anger, he couldn't stand his secret thrown around so carelessly, "What? I wasn't called the brightest witch of my age for nothing, you bastard! I did my research. I know your mother was a Slytherin, through and through. I also know she shacked up with a muggle. How does it feel, you son of a bitch, to know you are what you hunt and kill? You are a damn hypocrite…" Hermione didn't get to finish her sentence as she felt his fist collide with her stomach, forcing her to slightly bend in pain. She has recently learned to control the amount of pain she allows to show that she feels. Voldemort being the sadistic, sardonic being he is, got off on the pain others let show.

Voldemort leaned in and began to whisper into Hermione's ear, "Well Hermione," she could sense the hate in his voice. "You still seem not to have learned your damn place, so I think I'll need to attempt a new method of _instruction_ hmm? Voldemort's smirk twisted into an evil smile as he took her by the wrist pinned to the wall and forced her to the medium sized bed in the matchbox of a room. Hermione, realizing what might happen began struggling against the strong arm holding her. Voldemort tossed her onto the bed; her rag doll, undernourished body did no damage to his form. Quickly a spell was cast, tying Hermione's legs each to a respective bed post. Forcing her spread eagle, Voldemort straddled his soon-to-be conquest and held both of her hands above her head.

"You _are_ mine Granger, and I _will_ control what I own with no complaints," He hissed into her ear, causing her to shudder in disgust. Voldemort felt her tremble under him, but mistook it for fear instead of disgust and the smirk reappeared on his face. If he had not yet made up his mind about what to do with her, this act of repulsion from Hermione decided his next action. Tom 'Voldemort' Riddle was going to rape Hermione Granger.

Hermione knew what was going to happen to her, she wasn't stupid. She also knew there was no way she could prevent it, but there was no way in hell she would just lay there and let him do whatever the hell he pleased with her. When Voldemort released her hands and got off of her, Hermione did her best to break free. She inwardly cursed as she realized there was an invisible force still holding her hands. Voldemort let out a malicious chuckle; watching as she struggled against both sets of her bonds not wanting to admit defeat. She closed her eyes realizing Voldemort has already taken off his belt, and was already working on his pants. Hermione never wanted her first time to happen like this, but she also knew there was no way for her to stop this. Time passed slowly for the Gryffindor who awaited her fate; her tears, once tears of emotional pain had become silent tears of anger. Voldemort, finished undressing stood before her. His long lean form was pale from lack of sun, and Hermione couldn't bear to look at him. Except, when she heard a movement in the room her eye's snapped open to see Voldemort climbing atop her. Hermione did her best to struggle against his body, cringing when she felt one of his hands roughly caress one of her satin covered breasts. His hands drifted and pinched her right nipple, pulling it upward. Hermione gasped in pain, she had never before felt such pain and hatred. His other hand forcefully trailed up her inner left thigh, the calluses scratching her scarred skin… fingers tracing her self mutilated body. Voldemort let his other hand drift down her stomach and grabbed both of her thighs, wishing Hermione would cry out… to feed the lust he was feeling. Looking into his victims eyes he saw the conviction in Hermione's eyes. It was then he understood Hermione knew him too well. She would not allow him the satisfaction he wanted. This realization caused his eyes to flash in anger and frustration; Hermione saw this and suppressed her urge to show fear. Voldemort violently pushed up what was left of her slip, revealing her bare flesh. He smirked yet again and pushed his fingers into her hips, inciting an accidental grimace from Hermione. She had had no intention of showing how much pain she was in. He knew this and it fueled his aggression. In a moment of surprise he grabbed her lips with his, kissing her roughly and sadistically, forcing her mouth open while his hands sought out the flesh he truly desired. All plans she had of hiding her fear was forgotten when she felt two thin, rough fingers forced their way into Hermione's dry flesh. She screamed; no amount of control could suppress this new pain she was feeling. Voldemort forced his fingers in and out of her, and upon noticing the tears streaming down her cheeks the smirk on his face changed to a smile that would disgust even the most sadistic man. He withdrew his fingers and grabbed her hips roughly. He looked straight into her eyes and fed on the fear in her eyes. He was taking the one thing she held dear, and the one thing that she could never get back once taken; her virginity. Voldemort positioned himself at her entrance and thrust inside quickly. A shot of extreme pain shot through Hermione as she felt her cavity begin to moisten with blood. She let out a brief scream as Voldemort slowly moved his member inside of her, prolonging her pain. He sped up her pace when she stopped fighting against him. She'd given up in his eyes… in a way she had. There was no possible way for her to stop this. Her wand lay forgotten on the vanity, out of reach… with no way to discreetly retrieve it. She unwillingly let him find his own release in her… all the while trying to think up a plan to get the bastard back for this. She felt something warm fill her insides as he pulled his length out of her body. She felt a sticky substance seep out of her. Hermione wanted to empty her stomach, except she hadn't eaten in 3 days so there was nothing to throw up. The disgust consumed her to the extent she didn't even notice as Voldemort redressed and exited the room, remembering to grab the dagger and her wand before he left.

As Hermione felt her bonds release she curled into a ball, as if that would relieve the physical and emotional pain inside her brain. Nothing could change her mind now; she had to find a way to end her pain. She would kill herself, and there was nothing Voldemort could do to stop her. Suddenly an idea came to her; she knew the perfect way to kill herself, and the best part was she wouldn't even have to kill herself… Voldemort would do that for her in his angered state. Hermione Granger was going to sleep with a death eater. The real trouble was which one… and how did she choose who it was to be? Hermione racked her brain, thinking of all the estranged possibilities. It had to be someone close to her husband. One of his most trusted followers… male followers… That left Lucius Malfoy, his son Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, Antonin Dolohov, Fenrir Greyback, Rodolphus Lestrange, his brother Rabastan Lestrange or Peter Pettigrew. Immediately her list was narrowed down. She wouldn't risk Bellatrix's wrath by seducing her husband Rodolphus. Peter Pettigrew was a disgusting, pathetic excuse for a man… he would never believe that Hermione would be interested in him. Severus Snape was an ex-teacher… and the son of a bitch betrayed the Order. She knew that she could never touch him in any sexual way without somehow showing a clue as to what she was doing. Hermione searched through her mind looking for a way to eradicate more names from her list. Suddenly she remembered something that had happened a long time ago. Atonin Dolohov tried to kill her during her sixth year… good reason not to seduce him that was. She also remembered Fenrir… that brought back uneasy memories of Lupin. Lupin was a longtime friend of hers, and it brought tears to her eyes to envision his deformed body, mangled by Greyback's yellowed claws. This was good… she was making progress. Down to three from eight, but Hermione still had to rid two names from her list. She decided that research would probably necessary.

Hermione slowly uncurled herself and threw her bare feet onto the cold stone floor and uneasily stood, clutching the tall bed post so she wouldn't loose her footing. Once she was sure she wouldn't collapse, Hermione walked with a new-found confidence and softly padded through the Hogwarts corridors. Her footsteps ceased suddenly as she heard voiced coming in her direction. The near naked girl searched her surroundings, looking for somewhere to hide. She'd found her way to the dungeons, and a classroom lay just across the hall. Frantic, Hermione dashed into the room and lean against the door. Turning her ear against the framework, she listened and heard the voices of Lucius and Draco Malfoy bickering and felt the doorknob turn against her hip.

"Draco, we will NOT discuss this here! Damned door… I wish He would have all these rooms checked. Here it's finally loose. In Draco we can talk in private," Hermione heard Lucius rant. She'd run from her position at the door and hidden under a rotting teacher's desk. She heard the feuding pair enter and one of the two place a silencing charm on the room.

"Father, I will not be forced into a decision like this. She's my wife goddamn it. I will not allow my coworkers to assume it's mine. I _will _expose Ceres for the whore she is. Then I think I might just kill Lestrange… Rabastan impregnated my wife and my god, had the audacity to admit it to my face!" Draco seemingly ranted to his father. Hermione thought to herself that there was a perfectly good reason to knock Rabastan Lestrange off her list… he was… potent, so to say. She was down to the two men verbally sparring in the room.

"Draco… she's your wife! You must carry on pretenses and hide this monstrosity from the rest of the followers. We would be in disgrace if you expose this! I will not allow you to taint the Malfoy name in this way. You will parade that bastard child as yours when it's born in six months! Do you understand me?" Lucius asked this as if there was only one answer. Giving Draco a glare, Draco nodded as Lucius left the room.

Pissed, Draco turned to the wall and hit the door as hard as possible with his fist. Hermione smirked; she was going to sleep with Draco Malfoy, and that was the final answer.

.o.o.

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.o.o.

So? What did you think? I need to know… so reviews are nice.

Leave me dues…

InLove09


	7. I Hate Everything About Me

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot… and Dannie…Please Read and Review. Just as a forewarning in this chapter there will be no journal entry. When the writing goes from first person to third person a dream's started.

.o.o.

Chapter 6: I Hate Everything About Me

.o.o.

I understand that my methods were questionable. Though, before you judge, you also need to understand that I'd just been raped after I tried to kill myself. I wasn't thinking clearly, all I had on my mind was revenge. My only thought was as to what would anger Voldemort the most, and I'd finally found it. I was going to have an affair with one of his closest followers, hoping it would hit him below the belt to the point that he might just let me go… or kill me. Either would be preferred over this life.

When I woke up from the dream I was disgusted with myself, but I was also intrigued as to what in my brain was dreaming up these strange scenarios… Obviously I'd found my creative center… and I wanted it to go away. I was too busy to deal with these things. More baggage is just what I didn't need, then… now or ever. I can remember wanting to forget all about that dream, but I couldn't. It wouldn't go away! I went downstairs a few hours later and Dannie found me. I pushed him away and ran back to the sanctuary of my room. As soon as the door was securely locked, I quickly covered myself in my blankets. I shivered, not from the cold but from fear and wrapped myself even more inside the sheets and quilts. I felt a tear run across my temple, and quickly wiped it away. I refused to cry over Dannie… little did I know it wasn't Dannie I was crying over.

It was still hours until my mother and father would be home… I tried everything I could think of to stay awake, but I failed. I slowly drifted back to a dream-filled sleep. My dream seemed to never end, a couple times I'm sure I woke up but the dream was still in my mind. It wasn't that I was dreaming about something that… scared me; more like I was dreaming about something that I thought could possibly be real. That's what was terrifying, to think that maybe your future was already set in stone and that there was nothing you could do to change it.

If the dream I'd had before made me want to scrub my body until I bled, to rid myself of the filth left on me… I don't want to imagine exactly what I felt then… after the next dream I had that day.

.o.o.

Hermione Granger sat by herself in the Astronomy Tower of Voldemort's newly claimed Hogwarts. She needed a plan to seduce the unhappily married Draco Malfoy, and she needed it quickly. Hermione suddenly felt a twinge in her stomach and she felt the urge to heave yet again. Clawing at her middle, she leaned her head up against the wall, suppressing her want to die. An idea jumped in her mind, one that had to work… otherwise she would have some serious problems to deal with. At this Hermione stood slowly, and walked purposefully down to her chambers in the dungeons.

As she entered the large room she glared at her surroundings… She wanted to go back to her small room overlooking Dumbledore's grave. Hermione had no need for the pity of Hogwarts' elves. She had no need for a feather cushioned bed, or large armoire. Damned Dobby… with his accursed sense of loyalty and honor and all that shit… Hermione slowly slid the torn straps of her slip off her shoulders and felt the tattered garment pool around her feet. Naked, she stepped away from the disgusting fabric and towards her wardrobe. Pulling out simple black long-sleeved sweater and black trousers, slipping on nude undergarments she pulled on the top and pants. Hermione jerked on a set of black robes and a pair of black shoes. Not caring how disheveled she might looked she calmly stepped out of her room.

Looking down the hallway she walked carefully down the corridor, searching for her target. Hermione's eyes drifted to the cold, dark ceiling of the dungeons; praying that this would work according to plan. She twisted around more corners until she found the room she would hope she would find the meeting. Sure enough, Hermione could see a meeting of Voldemort and his followers were gathered, through the small crack in the open door. Summoning up her inner strength, she knew she had to do this; Hermione closed her eyes and swallowed her fear. Her eyes flew open as she burst into the room.

All conversation ceased and everyone turned to Hermione's gasping form. She felt an invisible hand grasp her neck, at that moment a feeling of fear crept through her. Suddenly feeling the lack of air, her hands moved to her throat and clasped around the invisible fingers, her feet kicking at the force lifting her into the air. Hermione's eyes widened in desperation as she clawed at her captor, knowing Voldemort would wait until the last moment to release her. Her eyelids fluttered and she felt her eyes begin to roll back as Hermione drifted into unconsciousness. Feeling a tug on her neck she snapped back to reality and collapsed to a heap on the floor. Slowly lifting her head she weakly looked towards Voldemort and put all of her emotions into a mocking glare.

"I would've thought you had more in you half-blood!" Hermione spat to the room. She received glances full of malice and hatred. She watched Voldemort and saw the anger flare in his eyes; one of his followers took a small step toward her crumpled form. Hermione glanced to the approaching figure in distaste. Just as she opened her mouth in another retort she felt her body begin to convulse in tremors. Hermione knew the bastards in the room just stood by and watched her being tortured, some of them were even finding a sense of pleasure in seeing her body twitch and tremble. Her eyes drifted around the room when she suddenly had a sense someone was staring at her, even though Hermione already knew all eyes were on her. She didn't know what happened but she suddenly felt a stab at her stomach and a light liquid beginning to run down her sides. Hermione's eyes fluttered and she slowly slipped into unconciousness…

.o.o.

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Extremely Short… I apologize.

Yours,

InLove 09


	8. Step One

Disclaimer: I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling … even though I totally wish I did. I do own Dannie though… I keep him in my closet…

.o.o.

Chapter 7: Step One…

.o.o.

As a teenager these dreams were just that; strange, meaningless dreams that should really have been considered night terrors. I wrote about them daily describing in detail everything that had happened, and nothing else, every single day for a little over a week. I'll leave those entries out because I've already told you about the dreams.

_**July 13, 1996**_

_It's Saturday and I didn't have a dream last night. Well, I mean I had a dream but it wasn't a __dream__. My dream was about Dannie, we were happy… together…It makes me wonder if it could work…I mean Dannie and me, that is. I mean I know we haven't exactly spoken since last Wednesday. I guess what I'd said to him really made him think. He's been avoiding me like the plague. I want to be with him I think. God… hormones suck… Why is it that when you know you're not allowed to have something, it makes you want it more? Because, me knowing I shouldn't want Dannie only makes me want him more. _

_**Later**_

_My parents want to kick Dannie out. They think he's getting too close to me, and they want to send him to a relative of ours in the country. Damn them, why the bloody hell am I not allowed to have friends while at home? I know they're afraid someone will find out about me… but completely severing me from my muggle life? It's hell. I want someone other than family to know who I am… I don't want to be forgotten in half of my life! Who would I be if I was only Hermione Granger – witch without Hermione Granger – muggle? I sure as hell wouldn't be teased but even that makes me who I am. Without me being teased by them, Harry, Ron and I would never have made friends. They were the one's who saved me from that troll… even though it was their fault I was in danger in the first place. I have to find Dannie, maybe if he can explain to my father that there's nothing going on between us then Papa will let him stay. Father knows there's nowhere for Dannie to go but an orphanage, why would he do this to him?_

Unfortunately, I can remember what went on that day perfectly… I was angry that my parents were attempting to control my life and pissed to know that they were probably right in their thinking. My father had called me into his home study; he was doing the accounting records, while mother was at the office with the patients… When I knocked, I heard his voice ushering me in and he motioned for me to sit in a leather-bound chair across from where he sat. Father never called me in like this, except when I had done something wrong.

"Hermione, your mother and I are worried about you. We want you to tell us exactly what's going on with Dannie and why you lied to us at the party with your cousin. Don't lie to me this time. Trust me, I'll know."

My father had given me this look, a look he hadn't given me since before I left for Hogwarts, which made me need tell him everything… I cursed myself after, I made a huge mistake. I look back at this and I wonder how my past would've played out if I'd kept my mouth shut and my mind clear. Would my parents still be alive? Would anyone I care about? All I have left is Malfoy… and I'm not even sure how or why he wants me around.

There are times where you wish things had gone differently than they have. A lot of people I knew died in the Last Battle, and I don't exactly understand why I survived. There's obviously something I can do to fix what's happened in our society… but then again, maybe I am just a useless piece of bone and flesh. Maybe this story is all that will remain of me once I'm no longer on Earth. Nothing else will be here to scream that Hermione Granger was a caring person, who loved her friends and her magic.

Except, I guess you're more interested in what happened next… in my dreams, that is.

.o.o.

Hermione's eyes slowly fluttered open to the feeling of a sponge seeping on her stomach. The house elves were running around the hospital wing, dutifully repairing her injuries like a well-oiled machine. This was not the first time that one of Voldemort's curses had not only left internal bleeding and bruises, but an open wound that would only be healed for the explicit purpose of scarring. From her stiff position on the medical table Hermione could see her watchman staring, scrutinizing. He seemed to have a confused look on his face, she should be in complete agony- no one should be able to withstand those specific curses. Every time the house elves tend to the gash across her stomach, a wince should cross her face, not the serene beauty that never went away. In all actuality all of her scars should have a similar curse weaved into them, the hundreds of crisscrossing, silver scars should be a dull reminder of constant pain.

A soft groan escaped Hermione's lips and her head rolled to face her guard. Her eyes dragged over his polished appearance, from his short blonde hair, to his clean black robes. Nothing was out of place, everything meticulous. Just the way he always was, except that is for the gauze bandage wrapped around the shattered bones in his left hand; an ongoing reminder of his frustration over his wife's pregnancy.

"Hello there, my little watchdog," Hermione felt her body squeeze in order to suppress a particularly nasty cough, "What lovely gauze you have there." At the sound of her voice Draco visibly twitched in surprise and a thin smile rose to Hermione's lips.

"Quiet Granger, the elves aren't finished yet," His gaze drifted from her wounds to one of the light stone walls surrounding them.

"How sweet, I didn't think you cared," Hermione's body curled as the cough escaped her. Draco stood from his chair and crossed to her bed. Grabbing her legs roughly, he pulled them back to their original position.

"I told you, darling," His voice was dripping with sarcasm, "the house elves aren't finished yet. They're enslaved for a reason, Granger. Let them do their job and stop moving. Its bad enough I was given mudblood duty for the week, but that stunt you pulled? Do you have to make it more difficult for yourself and all of us by pulling shit like that?" His face was irate and yet calm as he vented to the simplest source. "Your death wish can't possibly so extreme as to want the Dark Lord to kill you in front of the rest of us…"

During his tangent, Hermione shifted her eyes from his beautiful face to the wall, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Seduction was not her forte, and she couldn't imagine this person who had hated her for the last ten years succumbing to all of the hate that had been instilled into him, just to enact some sort of revenge that would quite possibly get him killed. It was unthinkable. Doubt began to enter her mind and Hermione closed her eyes to think.

"Granger, have you listened to a single thing I have said?" Draco's was staring at her, looking straight into her eyes.

Startled out of her reverie, her eyes snapped back to his, "Eh, not quite Blondie, what was that again?"

"Nothing mudblood. I was just entreating you to keep yourself alive. That's all." His tone was indifferent and quiet, which intrigued Hermione.

"Why?"

"Do you really need me to explain that one Granger?" Draco had left his post holding her feet and returned to his chair. Her only response was to raise one eyebrow. "Hmm, I never thought you would want to give anyone the satisfaction of killing you. I thought you would want to keep alive until you saw life '_get better_'…"

"Life isn't obviously going to get better; I was forcibly married to a monster, I've been raped multiple times, I've been tortured, I've seen most of my friends killed, and those who are alive won't come out of hiding. My life should've been over when my owner was killed by Death Eaters. I'm tempting fate by staying alive, so why not throw away the temptation and find a way to end everything?" Hermione wasn't quite sure of what made her snap, but there was something in his words, something in his voice that alluded that she should have hope. Hope didn't exist in society anymore. "I refuse to let you think that I want anything other than death at this moment in time, because it just wouldn't be true."

Her tirade brought Draco to lift his head from his hand, "So there is nothing on this Earth that you would live for?"

Hermione's simple response was, "No."

.o.o.

And at that moment in time there wasn't. Not one single thing that I saw worth living for. In all sincerity, there still isn't. Just another person intent on keeping me alive. I don't see why Draco needs me though. If he still wanted to enact his revenge on Circe, he could potentially have anyone he wanted. Anyone. I am after all merely a mudblood. I am nothing in today's world. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

.o.o.

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This is an uber short chapter… Sorry.


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